She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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