end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
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