So drunk its hurt
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
