She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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