I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
