Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
