Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
