I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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