when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
