I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
