just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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