I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
