I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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