You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
