Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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