if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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