Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
