I wish you could order shots online.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
