the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
