I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
