sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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