broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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