Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
