were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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