I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
