I didn't shave. On purpose
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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