I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Can I color on your dick again?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
