Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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