Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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