So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
