Apparently you make a good broom.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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