Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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