i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I will pee on everything he values.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
