im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
