I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
