if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
