If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
