God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
