I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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