The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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