I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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