I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
