operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
