I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
