I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
