I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
