if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
