you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
