I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Pants are for mortals
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
