so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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